Quite possibly the worst feeling in the world & I can’t seem to shake it.
It’s hanging over me and won’t be forgetten.
So much work went into that. I’ve never ever put that much work into anything in my life.
It took so much…
So much time was sacrificed to prepare for it. Hours after hours I poured out of my schedule. I gave 100 days of my life… 3+ months… Down the fucking drain.
It took all I had…
So much willpower and determination was needed. Giving up seemed like the easiest thing to do a month ago… People gave up on me. Hell I gave up on myself at one point… But I had to look past it. I had to push forward. It took everything I had…
It took everything.
& here I am. Unsatisfied with my performance. Spiteful at the mistakes I know I made. Enraged by the things that I didn’t know. Wishing I drew a better set. Knowing my everything wasn’t enough…
Not enough to reach the goals I set for myself. Not enough to be what I want to be. Not enough to make my dreams reality…
It took everything… & left me empty.
Left me with nothing to hold on to, nothing to alleviate the pain, nothing to give me any sense of redemption…
We can be friends sure but at a distance please. I don’t want you trying to keep me around half heartedly.
You can say it over and over how much I mean to you and I still won’t believe it.
Because you really don’t care. You’re just selfish & don’t like the idea of me with other people. Please just let me go & stop kinda fighting it. The more you put up this fake front the more I want out completely so… Just please. Let’s stay away from all this nonsense.
I wonder who’s gonna be by my side in 10 years
What if it’s not enough… What if I worked this fucking hard… To fall short…
I’m so in love with the thought of it…
But it’s not time.
I’m not ready.
Not even close.
& I’ve accepted it.
Hopefully now I can concentrate on what’s more important.
So I needed some reassurance & it came quick lol.
I’ve been struggling so much watching people fade away from me. It’s getting tiring having people get mad at me cuz I can’t hang out or talk too long. I kinda started giving up. I decided I need to concentrate on all of this whether they like it or not… But it still sucks knowing people you thought had your back & would support you just kinda… lost faith and end up not caring. Definitely started doubting myself & needed to reach out to the ones I know got me forever. & they delivered haha. Just shook me out of it. Made me realize my support group is smaller than I thought but it’s all good cuz they’re fucking amazing.
I mean I absolutely love them because they see me struggle, see me change, see our relationship fade, see me put them aside for something I want… & despite seeing it…
They don’t let any of it phase them.
They don’t feel threatened by any of it.
They watch it happen & understand.
They keep reminding me randomly through my absence they’re there.
That they want to see me succeed, get what I want & just want to see me happy.
They know it’s only temporary and as long as they keep their arms open I’ll be back.
"Even in silence, you inspire me."
“I know you’re busy & I miss you but don’t worry. I’ll be here when things calm down.”
“Fuck em. Friends ain’t supposed to get in the way. They’re supposed to help each other succeed. You know I got you.”
“If it were anyone else I might be mad, but it’s you, you’d do the same thing for me.”
“We’re best friends. That’s forever. But c’mon nigga… You always tryna get the best out of me. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t want the best for you?”
As much as I loved you, I’m 100% positive that me coming back into your life will only make it worse.
So please stop.
I do want you to be happy… & seeing you genuinely smile again brings joy to my heart.
But honestly I don’t think I’m part of that equation anymore.
Let’s just continue as we are.
On separate paths.
This whole thing…
It isn’t me. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this facade up. #showface
How does someone fight with everything they have to keep someone around just to let them go so quickly?
How can someone drain so much happiness from someone they “care about” for their own gain?
Do you really care for one another?
If you do… Why can’t you two just help each other out… Let go of the stupid things in the way of your happiness… Just let fucking go.
The moment your dreams become a little realer & inch a little closer.
You begin to realize their true extent, their true magnitude.
You revel in the progress you’ve made & tremble at the uncovering of toils to come.
Here I am overcome with a combination of terror and awe.
Afraid yet astonished by what’s ahead.
As difficult as it all my seem.
Find a way.