The first time in a while I’ve legitimately smiled and felt happiness deep in my heart all the way into my soul.
It’s kinda weird though… how a school project is the reason for it.
The project asked me to pick a song and explain why I chose the song.
I picked “Easy - Commodores” and as I was explaining the lyrics it really hit me when I was writing about “I wanna be free to know the things I do are right.”
It’s a question I’ve been struggling with for such a long time…
Am I going about this the right way?
Am I living the way I want to?
Am I doing what I believe is proper?
Am I going down the right path?
& honestly lately my answers haven’t been very nice… I’ve been so pessimistic and full of doubt. I always found something I was doing wrong. A mistake in my approach. Just in the end not being good enough.
But the second part of my project flipped that entire mindset.
It asked me to ask someone close to me what my 5 greatest attributes were. I decided to ask more than one person because I wanted a general consensus on these attributes.
Little did I know that the answers I got would be so uplifting and encouraging. I got a wide range of answers but ended up with this set of five.
- Family Oriented/Protective
Those were the five attributes that I got the most out of everyone’s answers & after just looking over it I realized something. If this is what people see in me… then I must be doing something right. I honestly believe my life’s purpose is other people & those attributes coincide so perfectly with that. Yes I may not be doing everything perfectly… but it doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong right? Guess I just gotta keep doing what I’m doing because hey… it’s working.
You used to come to me about everything.
Through good and bad times you knew.
I was so fucking protective.
Nothing would dare harm you.
Putting a smile on your face was probably the most fulfilling thing in my life.
But it’s been a while. Weird how it all changed. You’re off and doing so well. I’m damn proud of you. Seeing how far you’ve come. How much you’ve grown. You don’t need me anymore. It’s understandable… Guess I’m still getting used to the sideline.
Forever in your debt. & I don’t mind.
It’s not right but it’s reality.
The power you have…
It’s crippling yet inspiring.
I’ve learned that I have a saying I think to myself everytime I feel my life go awry. It doesn’t have to be anything too crazy. Even the smallest issues can cause me to do it. I just repeat it and repeat it until I’m okay… It’s become a habit because… well it works.
"God has a plan for me."
What is with this…
My life seems fine but I can’t shake the fact that nothing seems constant.
My professor has drilled the fact into my head that “Nothing remains the same but change” but it’s just hard for me to keep adjusting without one thing to anchor me down. I don’t know if that makes any sense…
Everything in my life seems to be fleeting. I can’t help but see my friends moving on in their lives and all of us going in seperate directions. I’m not saying I’m not going to be friends with them anymore but I know for a fact other things are going to take over. I’m starting to look way too far into the future with things… “Will this matter in a year?” “Will she/he even care later?” I keep thinking about the future I never stop to just realize what’s going on around me and it’s causing so much tension and skepticalness. I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself but I can’t stop. I can’t seem to think of anyone or anything that can keep me grounded that can stop this uprooting of my entire being. It’s scary and worries me to the point that it irritates me.
The way I handle people these days is just to satisfy their needs for the time being but in the long run I’m doing nothing else. It’s a bad circle I’m caught up in and I can’t seem to shake it.
There is one person though that throws me so completely off guard it confuses me beyond compare. I don’t know what it is about her. Everything she says just resonates in my head. Everything she does I can’t help but want to be apart of. Every movement catches my attention. Every part of my being just wants her around. Hearing her voice over the phone can completely change the way my day is going. Etc etc. When I add it all up I should be completely in love with this girl I mean it would only make sense right… but I’m not. It’s not attraction but I feel so dependent… I don’t understand it. How do I even classify what this is. I’m so thankful she’s in my life & I fear the day she walks out of it… but this isn’t permanent & I know it isn’t.
I need to learn to appreciate what I have now.
To be thankful for the present, the past & that there is a future ahead of me.
I have something to write but I can’t right now cuz I have to study. I’m gonna use this as a reminder to myself…
If this happens… my set will be perfect on one side.
Just need to fill the other side ._.