It's life, Right?
This whole thing…

It isn’t me. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this facade up. #showface

Slightly confused.

How does someone fight with everything they have to keep someone around just to let them go so quickly?

How can someone drain so much happiness from someone they “care about” for their own gain?

Do you really care for one another?

If you do… Why can’t you two just help each other out… Let go of the stupid things in the way of your happiness… Just let fucking go.

The moment your dreams become a little realer & inch a little closer.
You begin to realize their true extent, their true magnitude.

You revel in the progress you’ve made & tremble at the uncovering of toils to come.

Here I am overcome with a combination of terror and awe.
Afraid yet astonished by what’s ahead.

As difficult as it all my seem.
Find a way.
Triumph.

Ahh fucking finally.

That lasted way too long. I’m a bit confused as to why I was even in that rut though. I know exactly how to handle every issue I was trying to handle. Just needed a second to breathe I guess because everything is so much clearer now. But getting back is gonna a sec. Need a bit of time to get back on my grind. But once I’m started ain’t no stopping this train.

"Mama! There goes that man!"

So these past 3-4 days… I just haven’t been able to shake this feeling.
This feeling of unsureness.
& I absolutely hate it.
I’m so used to knowing exactly what I want & what I need to do to get it.
But right now I just don’t know.
I don’t know how badly I want anything.
If I even want anything at all.
& that scares the shit out of me.
I used to have such vision for my life.
I used to have countless dreams & goals… I used to have a purpose.

If someone asked me “What’s your purpose?” I’d be able to answer in a second with such detail, intent & passion in my words… But now all I can say is I don’t know.

Do you know how weird it is to feel like you’ve lost your purpose? It’s like everything I knew so clearly became just a blur. I feel so lost. As if everything I’m doing makes no sense. Like all my efforts are for nothing. I don’t know what I’m aiming at. I don’t have a what or who or why to anything I’m doing anymore. & it’s slowly dragging me down. I hate what my mind’s become…

I just want to feel like I’m doing something meaningful, impactful, purposeful. I want to know the reason behind my actions. I want to have a driving force. Something pushing me forward. Just some source of motivation.

The fuck am I saying… None of this is me… This isn’t the person I want to be. Lost. Confused. Empty. It’s not right.

I need to figure this out quick… I need to find myself again before I get stuck.

……..

What gets me the most is I’ve had thoughts like this & maybe I’d dwell for a few hours… But not days. I can’t shake it at all. Something’s holding me back. If I could think of one thing it’s fear… I’m scared of something & it’s keeping me stagnant. Keeping me wanting to fight my own progress.


Bleeh. Figure it out man…
You have less than a year… You don’t have the luxury of time.

Letting go of so many things & the ease of it is freaking me out… it’s leaving me questioning why I held on for so long.

It’s a bit odd not being a huge force in people’s lives but it’s obviously not been working. I’m not helping anyone. I need to fix myself before I can help others. Thank you for opening my eyes.

Refocus.

That chapter is done.
Will take what I’ve got & move on. #GTBBG

Regret is a bitch ain’t it.

Can’t believe I let go.

I’ve never had anyone invest that much in me ever…

I didn’t even notice.

Now I’m scared no one else will.