It's life, Right?

I’m so in love with the thought of it…
But it’s not time.
I’m not ready.
Not even close.
& I’ve accepted it.

Hopefully now I can concentrate on what’s more important.

So I needed some reassurance & it came quick lol.

I’ve been struggling so much watching people fade away from me. It’s getting tiring having people get mad at me cuz I can’t hang out or talk too long. I kinda started giving up. I decided I need to concentrate on all of this whether they like it or not… But it still sucks knowing people you thought had your back & would support you just kinda… lost faith and end up not caring. Definitely started doubting myself & needed to reach out to the ones I know got me forever. & they delivered haha. Just shook me out of it. Made me realize my support group is smaller than I thought but it’s all good cuz they’re fucking amazing.

I mean I absolutely love them because they see me struggle, see me change, see our relationship fade, see me put them aside for something I want… & despite seeing it…
They don’t let any of it phase them.
They don’t feel threatened by any of it.
They watch it happen & understand.
They keep reminding me randomly through my absence they’re there.
That they want to see me succeed, get what I want & just want to see me happy.
They know it’s only temporary and as long as they keep their arms open I’ll be back.

"Even in silence, you inspire me."
“I know you’re busy & I miss you but don’t worry. I’ll be here when things calm down.”
“Fuck em. Friends ain’t supposed to get in the way. They’re supposed to help each other succeed. You know I got you.”
“If it were anyone else I might be mad, but it’s you, you’d do the same thing for me.”
“We’re best friends. That’s forever. But c’mon nigga… You always tryna get the best out of me. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t want the best for you?”

As much as I loved you, I’m 100% positive that me coming back into your life will only make it worse.
So please stop.
I do want you to be happy… & seeing you genuinely smile again brings joy to my heart.
But honestly I don’t think I’m part of that equation anymore.
Let’s just continue as we are.
On separate paths.

This whole thing…

It isn’t me. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this facade up. #showface

Slightly confused.

How does someone fight with everything they have to keep someone around just to let them go so quickly?

How can someone drain so much happiness from someone they “care about” for their own gain?

Do you really care for one another?

If you do… Why can’t you two just help each other out… Let go of the stupid things in the way of your happiness… Just let fucking go.

The moment your dreams become a little realer & inch a little closer.
You begin to realize their true extent, their true magnitude.

You revel in the progress you’ve made & tremble at the uncovering of toils to come.

Here I am overcome with a combination of terror and awe.
Afraid yet astonished by what’s ahead.

As difficult as it all my seem.
Find a way.
Triumph.

Ahh fucking finally.

That lasted way too long. I’m a bit confused as to why I was even in that rut though. I know exactly how to handle every issue I was trying to handle. Just needed a second to breathe I guess because everything is so much clearer now. But getting back is gonna a sec. Need a bit of time to get back on my grind. But once I’m started ain’t no stopping this train.

"Mama! There goes that man!"

So these past 3-4 days… I just haven’t been able to shake this feeling.
This feeling of unsureness.
& I absolutely hate it.
I’m so used to knowing exactly what I want & what I need to do to get it.
But right now I just don’t know.
I don’t know how badly I want anything.
If I even want anything at all.
& that scares the shit out of me.
I used to have such vision for my life.
I used to have countless dreams & goals… I used to have a purpose.

If someone asked me “What’s your purpose?” I’d be able to answer in a second with such detail, intent & passion in my words… But now all I can say is I don’t know.

Do you know how weird it is to feel like you’ve lost your purpose? It’s like everything I knew so clearly became just a blur. I feel so lost. As if everything I’m doing makes no sense. Like all my efforts are for nothing. I don’t know what I’m aiming at. I don’t have a what or who or why to anything I’m doing anymore. & it’s slowly dragging me down. I hate what my mind’s become…

I just want to feel like I’m doing something meaningful, impactful, purposeful. I want to know the reason behind my actions. I want to have a driving force. Something pushing me forward. Just some source of motivation.

The fuck am I saying… None of this is me… This isn’t the person I want to be. Lost. Confused. Empty. It’s not right.

I need to figure this out quick… I need to find myself again before I get stuck.

……..

What gets me the most is I’ve had thoughts like this & maybe I’d dwell for a few hours… But not days. I can’t shake it at all. Something’s holding me back. If I could think of one thing it’s fear… I’m scared of something & it’s keeping me stagnant. Keeping me wanting to fight my own progress.


Bleeh. Figure it out man…
You have less than a year… You don’t have the luxury of time.

Letting go of so many things & the ease of it is freaking me out… it’s leaving me questioning why I held on for so long.

It’s a bit odd not being a huge force in people’s lives but it’s obviously not been working. I’m not helping anyone. I need to fix myself before I can help others. Thank you for opening my eyes.

Refocus.

That chapter is done.
Will take what I’ve got & move on. #GTBBG